Wake Forest Week

The tardiness of this week’s post is intentional. In the chess-like game that is college football today, I had to make a tactical and strategic decision in order to stay one step ahead of the competition. These days, opponents are So Dedicated to preparation that I feared my advanced analysis and scouting report would fall into the wrong hands. The last thing I want is for teams to think that just because I offer our gameplan on the world wide web each week, that they can try to read it and use it against us on Saturdays. You have to admit, before I brought you last week’s introduction to Elon, you thought that Carolina was playing an online community college. You don’t have to be embarrassed; millions of fans across the country were singing the Same Tune as you were. Unfortunately for our football team, Elon was not just a gang of middle-aged citizens trying to earn a degree online, all while supporting families of five and holding down full-time jobs. But thanks to my scouting report, our team was able to prepare as if though we were playing a contender from the competitive Southern Conference. To use an analogy often employed by Coach Fedora, all off-season—during every straining rep in the weight room and draining sprint on the practice field—we were putting money in the bank. With our 62-0 victory last Saturday, I think it is safe to say that we Cashed Out. Now, are we where we want to be today? No. Is Coach Fedora satisfied? Of course not. But are we better off than we were when the season started? I like to think so.

However, because we made a large withdrawal from our account last weekend, we are in a bit of an “economic crisis” for this week’s game against Wake Forest. But have No Worries, our team believes that “we’re all in this together” is a far better philosophy than “you’re on your own.” This week in practice we have worked our tails off to deposit even more money into the bank, so that come Saturday, we can show no Mercy on Wake Forest.

The minute that I stepped out of the communal showers after the Elon game, I immediately began my extensive investigation of the Wake Forest football team. Okay… honestly, the minute that I stepped out of the showers I just tried to get dressed without making awkward eye contact with the recruits wandering the locker room. But I swear right after that I began prepping for Wake, and what I found might surprise you.

Before you Burn rubber to Wake Forest, North Carolina for the game this weekend, I should let you in on some inside information. Wake Forest is not located in Wake Forest, North Carolina. According to two scholarly sources, and Map Quest, the university is actually in Winston-Salem. I know what you are thinking, “Hey Wake, maybe you should be a little more honest and forthcoming about your universities location so it isn’t confusing to us people who detest your school and everything it’s athletics program stands for.” And to that I say, “Amen.” Speaking of contradictions and religious words, wait until you hear the next thing I dug up. If you already think that Wake Forest has a Jason Bourne-like identity crisis going on, then their mascot’s name will just augment your argument. Apparently, this week we will be playing the Wake Forest “Demon Deacons.”

Like everything else that I have ever said, the previous statement did not come without proper historical research. The surprising documentation I uncovered about the history of the nickname should come at no surprise. Directly from the university’s website, please allow me to quote, “Nevertheless, that’s all it remained – Just a name. Then came Baldwin leading the Deacons on the field against North Carolina. He was dressed in top hat, tails, and umbrella, riding the Carolina ram, and while his fraternity brothers roared with laughter at the sight of him, no one realized that the Deacons would never play again without their Demon Deacon. A joke was to become an institution.” Wait… so let me get this straight. A couple frat stars are drinkin’ some brewskis at the Lambda Chi house when one thinks, “Bro, it would be like totally awesome to Get Smoked up with My Homies and then ride a ram to the game in an Abe Lincoln costume.” And then when he actually does it, instead of banishing him from receiving a higher education like any other respectable chancellor would have done, Wake Forest’s leader not only allows it to happen, but then immediately establishes the Demon Deacon as a tradition. Sounds to me like the type of guy who, as a kid, would pick to be the Green Ranger over the red when he and his friend from down the street reenacted Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. You guys know what I mean.

I Don’t Like it when game time approaches and I still don’t feel like I have a total understanding of what the opponent is all about. Given their contradictory background, the Wake Forest football team may turn out not to be a football team at all. No Lie, given their track record, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Demon Deacons football team is really just a group of renegade evangelists who sidetrack their opposition with competitive football, only to perform dark dementor Magic on them in the handshake line after the game.

Wake Forest, I really Wish You Would stop being so contrary. Sooner or later you are going to have to learn that what works in the real world is cooperation. Until you learn that, I can honestly say that I will probably avoid participation in any post game ceremonies that include you guys.

Before I go, I would like to make A Dedication to some of my friends and former teammates who played well last weekend. Two of my old teammates at “the” A.C. Reynolds High School—Patrick Blalock and Ben Councell—started on defense for Appalachian State and Notre Dame, respectively. Another good friend, Jeoffrey Pagan, got some solid playing time for Alabama in their 41-14 romp over Michigan in Dallas Cowboys Stadium. Also, Chandler Wrightenberry showed that he is one of the best players on Elon’s defense by making several hard tackles during our game. All of these men are cool on the outside, but burn for America on the inside, and I wish them nothing but the best in their endeavors this Saturday.

Until next time,



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