I’m going to lie, training camp was fun while it lasted. However, all good things must come to an end. The good news is that the end of training camp means the beginning of a new season. This Saturday the Elon University Phoenix will make their way to Kenan Stadium for a good old-fashioned football contest. As a student of the game, I made it my mission this week to find out everything I possibly could about our opponent all the way down to the last excruciating detail. I began my research by trying to answer the looming question on everyone’s mind (The “elephant in the room,” if you will.): What is a Phoenix? After a week of painstaking research, I believe I have answered that question.
As it turns out, Phoenix is a city inside The Grand Canyon State, more formally known as Arizona. However, this is not just any city. It is a state capital. And it is not just any state capital, it is the most populated state capital in the United States of America. As I pieced this information together and tried to uncover its true meaning, it all started to make sense. My interpretation of the mascot name has lead me to believe that this Elon football team very well may have over 6 million players. I know what you are thinking. “This is an overwhelming amount of players to have to compete against!” “What imbecile scheduled this gargantuan team as our first game of the season?” Unfortunately, I dread to inform you that upon further preparation for this Saturday’s game, I only found more troubling news.
A very important part of gameplanning each week is evaluating the opponent’s personnel. When I went through this process, one name immediately jumped out at me: Aaron Mellette. Upon setting my eyes on it, this 6’3”/218 pound, All-American wide receiver’s name instantly struck fear into my heart. As you have most likely already noticed, his last name “Mellette” is eerily similar to “Mallette.” Now is it just me, or is “Mallette” the name of the street that our very own campus Chipotle is on? My symbolic analysis of this “coincidence” came out to mean one thing, and one thing only. This Aaron Mellette is on the road to greatness.
The last piece of disconcerting news from the Elon scouting report is that the university is located in Burlington, North Carolina. This confirms that the football team has to be in at least some way associated with the great company known as The Burlington Coat Factory. If this Saturday’s game day conditions make for a cold weather environment, Elon will be at a distinct advantage due to their sure partnership with a company who can provide such a vast array of warm, yet stylish clothing.
If you have read anything at all that I just wrote, you know that this week’s game against Elon will be a formidable obstacle that the Tar Heel Nation will need to overcome together. However, I ask that you do not fear. I believe it was the great Leo Lambert who once said, “Sweet are the uses of adversity, which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.”
By the way we have been practing pretty hard too, so that should help.
And before I go, I would like to take a moment to make a “Crib Call.” Starting at safety this week for Elon will be number 41, Chandler Wrightenberry. Due to his Asheville, North Carolina heritage, I would like to say the following: crib!
Until next time,